Sometimes I feel like I am always going to be stuck in the phase of hoping for a life that I do not have. That has not always been true, I have achieved my dreams of intense and free spontaneous solo travel. It’s something that I still seek but I have experienced it already. As far as a career goes… I want to work in film. But I don’t know how to get there. And I know I need to remain a bit freer for the next few years, to travel and learn and develop and discover more. I honestly kind of like how my path seems to unfold naturally. Or at least where I naturally feel inclined. I’ll have an idea and chase it and then it will naturally move into something else if now isn’t the time for it.
I know I am not making much sense, and this blog post is much more about me than anything. But I am tired of trying to “make sense” or dictate all of my actions and writings based on what people might write or say about it. And shouldn’t I do what I feel good about doing despite what people might say? I know that my thoughts and ideas and creations and writings are not always cohesive, but do they have to be? And isn’t cohesion relative? Many times my writings and creations are merely an unconscious stream of thoughts. And what is so bad with that? There are always different ways of doing things but I would say not necessarily better ways of doing things. Because “better” is relative and perception based. There is something to be said about what is structured and there is also something to be said about what is chaotic. Both are of value. And both are beautiful. Then why do I feel like my work is shit if it does not fit in a mold that is deemed as “good” by others?
Whatever I do do, I always think how the better thing must’ve been what I didn’t do… why is that? My mind constantly flows with all of the options that could have been rather than the option that I chose. This has been a theme of my life since I was very young. It ebbs and flows but is still a present part of me. I want to love what I do rather than regret what I didn’t.